Ciaran Watkins – Parents Everywhere Take Heed

Posted on March 26, 2011 by


Parents. Please do not use me as an embodiment of punishment to contain your unruly offspring. It makes me incredibly angry, and I actually want to high-five the child involved, or give it some sweets so it stops looking at me like I’m the Devil himself. It’s a cheap ploy, and it’s just bad parenting.

Today, there was a small child trying on some elephant covered kids Toms. Cute right? It was. He was about 1 years old, and walking around the shop climbing on things. I must be getting broody, or starting my menstrual cycle, because all I could think was “What a cool bastard. He’s climbing the shit out of that shelf, and he doesn’t even care about it. He’s got new shoes, and he’s off to conquer the world”. I was laughing and smiling as he tore around (and up) the shop, but all of a sudden, his long haired father pulls him in close, turns him to look at me, points vigorously and utters the words “Look, that man is very angry with you, and he’s going to shout at you if you don’t behave”.

I’m sorry. What now!? I’m not going to do anything of the sort. In fact, I might build your child an obstacle course to see if he’s as good at climbing stuff as I was when I was a baby. This poor child looked at me, tears welling up in his eyes, and I could just see his brain was trying to work out what he’d done to upset me. I glared at the father, held my hands up, muttered “I’ll do nothing of the sort mate”, and wandered off in a foul mood. I think I heard something about me going to phone the police as I walked away, and the distinct sound of a child’s tears, but I was absolutely fuming. How dare that man use me as a method of punishment. He has no right to scar his child thinking that all chubby guys with beards want to shout at him for having a boss time.

I am not the anti-christ, and I really don’t want children to think I am. The next time I’m used as a deterrent, or told that I’m going to shout at a child, I may take the parents up on the offer and scream in their child’s face. I bet that would get me fired, or punched, or even worse punched and then fired. It would serve the parents right though. I’m a lovely man, and I don’t like my image being spoiled by naff parents. If you don’t have the balls to discipline your own child, don’t pretend that I’m going to do it for you. Next time I very well just might.

Read more over at Whatever’s In There, Falls Out Here.

Posted in: Ciaran Watkins