Gemma Critchley: The Apprentice – would you risk it for a chocolate biscuit?

Posted on June 29, 2011 by


Having just watched the latest installment of the BBC’s weekly cringefest, The Apprentice, I have decided to come up with my own biscuit.

This biscuit would be kind of like a Hob Nob (so a crumblier version of flap jack) but would be ginger flavoured, and covered with stripes of really bitter dark chocolate on one side.

I’d call my biscuit CRITCHERS’ CRUNCH (all caps) and the packaging would look like this:

the beano tin first aid kit beano biscuits the apprentice

My target market would be primarily people who liked the Beano when it was good (i.e. circa 1988) and the secondary target would be people who liked the kinds of things that no one else did, for example it’d appeal to those who opted for coffee or orange creams in the chocolates at Christmas, or to people who choose the cheese board over dessert after a posh meal. Ideally, the best people fall into both the Beano and the chocolates/cheese camp together, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

The price point would be £34.99 (three installments of) per tin and they’d be limited to 100 tins, released on an underground record/biscuits label in Leeds and once these biscuits were OOP they’d stay that way.

The commercial advantage/advertising backing to buyers would be that CRITCHERS’ CRUNCH sponsored the ill-fated yet critically acclaimed Slipknot/Britain’s Got Talent joint headline tour that got canned after initial rehearsals due to ‘artistic differences’ between the one with the long-nosed mask and DJ Talent.

I think we’d all agree that would be far superior to the pile of rubbish they came up with tonight on The Apprentice.

Posted in: Gemma Critchley