Ciaran Watkins – Myself Versus Myself

Posted on July 14, 2011 by

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I suppose it’s hard to truly explain what’s happened to me over the past fortnight, and the few weeks before that when entries were small and lacking, but I’ll give it a go. Hopefully that will at least leave you with some insight into my absence from the One A Day Project, and a resounding “yes I’m still alive, and still committed” from yours truly.

You see, at the beginning of the year I was more than happy to spend an hour an evening typing up a blog post. Heck, I’d even do it if I didn’t have enough time, or really had to force myself, but it became increasingly hard as I started to apply for advertising jobs. The more work I did on advertising in my spare time, the less I wanted to blog about it. Rather than filling these entries with useless nonsense, I just didn’t do them. It was just easier. Until the guilt set in any way.

The major collapse in my motivation, my time management, and my general self confidence was being interviewed twice at an agency in Manchester for a copywriting job, getting through to the last group of potential employees, and then not actually being successful in my quest for that first taste of writing freedom. Yes, I know, that sounds so pathetic, but in all honesty, it broke me. I was inconsolable for a good week, and Victoria can attest to what an absolute prick I was to live with. The interview came with a brief, and I spent hours and hours working through it. I worked through post-Parklife hangovers, and an absolutely brilliant cold, and came up with a huge amount of work, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough, and I felt hard put by, especially when I was literally told “sorry, the standard was incredibly high, but it’s just not you this time”. Why not me? Why.

However, this is all irrelevant now, as after lengthy feedback replies from both interviewers, it turns out I was pretty fucking boss, and missed out by a hairs length to a candidate who went that little bit further than I did. I’d love to meet that guy in the hope that I can find out he’d give as much as I would into that position, because although I think I would have been brilliant, I’d be happy in the knowledge that I’d lost out to some guy as work-hungry as me.

What I’m trying to put across, is that in my failure, I needed to take a break. I needed to get away from the advertising world. I needed my free time to be my free time. I wanted to watch T.V shows, I wanted to read books, I wanted to play video games, and most of all, I wanted to live day to day to day. I wanted no responsibilities. What I most wanted, was to be a student again. Live safe in the knowledge that ‘oh it doesn’t matter, next time we’ll get that placement’, and it really didn’t matter if we did or we didn’t, because I didn’t have rent to pay, I didn’t have council tax to think of, and I didn’t have full time hours to undertake in a job I like, but don’t love.

But now it’s a fortnight later. I’ve gotten over myself. I can’t let one little stumble put me off my career path forever. This is where I need to learn from my mistakes, and be better. This is my apology for neglecting something that I enjoy immensely, and again, the rallying battle cry from a boy who is still to taste his first job. I may have been promoted in work, and I may have been a pathetic shut in to hide my crippling insecurities, but not any more. Entries will be back dated. I shall write two a day for the one a day I have missed, and I will be successful in publishing 365 entries in one year, not because I have something to gain from it, not because I hope to land a job from it, not because it’s for a good cause (which it bloody well is!), but because I will not let myself be beaten by myself.

TL:DR?

I applied for a job. I worked my arse off. I didn’t get it. I became a pathetic little whining bitch for a week. I got over myself. I found it hard to return to writing because of the time I had missed. I vowed to come back, and do it better than before. The End.

Read more over at Whatever’s In There, Falls Out Here.

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Posted in: Ciaran Watkins