Have you been injured in an accident that wasn’t your fault? Then call Injury Lawye– wait, no, that’s not what I was getting at.
Have you ever hurt yourself on something that really shouldn’t hurt you? It’s an infuriating experience. Today I injured my thumb on my trousers.
Let me explain. I have a pair of cheap-ass jeans from Primark (I know, I know, child labour, but cheap. I couldn’t afford to be ethical while I was unemployed) that are fine for most things, but one of the rivety things or whatever they’re called that holds the pockets in place is coming off a little bit, meaning there’s a bit of a sharp edge upon which it’s very easy to nick oneself. Normally I remember it’s there, but as I was sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee this morning I caught myself good and proper on the thumb, ripping off an impressively sizeable chunk of skin and causing it to bleed profusely.
This would have been infuriating enough had I done it in private, but of course I was in public at the time, meaning that any number of people could have witnessed me sitting at a table with clearly nothing around me that could have possibly injured my finger, yet there I was clasping a bloody napkin to it and wincing.
The only thing slightly more embarrassing than injuring yourself on something as innocuous as a pair of trousers is injuring yourself (in public, naturally) on absolutely nothing at all — the “I Just Tripped Over My Own Feet” scenario. There are few ways to deal with this that leave you with any dignity remaining — whether you choose to simply take the fall and hope that a kind passer by helps you up, assuming that you’re some sort of invalid, or to stumble and break into a slow run as if you always intended to lurch forwards in the way that you did, everyone around you will know that you tripped over absolutely nothing at all and are, therefore, a Bit of a Spaz.
Should you find yourself injuring yourself on a pair of trousers or tripping over absolutely nothing at all (bar your own feet) then there’s likely very little that Injury Lawyers 4 U (“We’re real lawyers!“) can do for you. Unless you’re planning on suing yourself for being such a damn clumsy twat. And that, as I’m sure you’re aware, would be an ultimately self-defeating exercise. Literally.
You could always hope that someone was there with a video camera hoping to make a quick buck from You’ve Been Framed, of course. If you spot yourself on the TV, then be sure to claim likeness rights. You’ll be in the money. Maybe.