Pete Davison: Roll Your Own iOS Shovelware Game

Posted on October 25, 2011 by

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There are some truly great games on the iOS platform. But there’s also an awful lot of complete pap, most of which comes in the form of ripoffs of other, more successful games that got the formula just right. Now you, too, can be a part of gaming’s mobile revolution by designing your very own iOS game! All you have to do is fill in the blanks in the press release below.

Are you ready? Then let’s begin.

[Your hometown, preferably in capital letters], [today’s date, including year] — [Your company name] today announced the release of their [superlative] iOS game [Verb] the [Noun]*, available immediately from the App Store for [FREE!/$.99/£.69].

Players take on the role of the [synonym for “cute”] [amusingly mundane first name] [adjective with same initial letter as mundane first name] and guide [him/her] through [insert number between 5 and 9] [themed/exciting/cartoony] worlds on a [quest/mission] to [insert predictable goal] and [insert secondary goal that relates to title].

Featuring [innovative one-finger controls/physics-based gameplay/Unreal Engine 3-powered graphics], [Verb] the [Noun] promises a [superlative] [ride/journey/adventure] through a [different superlative] world of [action/adventure/mystery/magic]. Built-in social features provide [a rich experience/unprecedented connectivity/thrilling competition] for all players via [insert any combination of Facebook, Twitter, Game Center, OpenFeint].

“[Verb] the [Noun] sets new standards for mobile gaming [quality/excellence/innovation],” said [your name], [CEO/VP of Marketing/VP of Digital Content/Programmer/Designer/Executive Producer], [your company name]. “By [leveraging/harnessing/incorporating] [themes/elements/game styles] from the well-established brands of the App Store, [Verb] the [Noun] is a[n] [insincere-sounding superlative] experience for [all the family/everyone to enjoy/all iOS gamers].”

Here’s what App Store reviewers have been saying about [Verb] the [Noun]!

“[insert vaguely positive comment about beating the game very quickly, optionally all in lower case]” — [invented name with numerical suffix]

“[insert fragmented quote that implies the game is better than Angry Birds]” — [name that replaces letters with numbers]

“[insert comment that uses the word ‘literally’ incorrectly]” — [clearly made up name that looks like a real one]

As you can see, [Verb] the [Noun] is already a big hit! And you can be part of the [adventure/legend/phenomenon] today, by downloading the game from the App Store [for free/for just $.99/for just £.69].

iTunes Store link: [insert text that reads as an iTunes URL, but actually hyperlinks via your own tracking service]

[insert legal disclaimers here, possibly including mention of “forward looking statements” and how it isn’t your responsibility to do any of the things you’ve promised]

About [your company name]

[Your company name] is a [small/medium/large] [family-run/bedroom programming/indie] developer based in [your hometown]. Valuing [creativity/innovation/social play/Unreal Engine 3] above all else, [your company name] seeks to redefine mobile entertainment through [creativity/innovation/social play/Unreal Engine 3] and [creativity/innovation/social play/Unreal Engine 3]. [Your company name]’s debut project, [Verb] the [Noun] is now available via the App Store.

* optional: put every instance of [Verb] the [Noun] in BOLD ITALIC CAPITALS.

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Posted in: Pete Davison